334. WELCOME TO THE DOOMER FEEDLOT
For those of you just coming to peak oil, you're going to want to understand the most basic concept of peak oil: The doomer feedlot. Forget about the Hubbert curve, and oil, and all that complicated math/science bullshit. That's all irrelevant to the actual day-to-day reality of peak oil. Today, I'm going to tell you what you really need to know to survive in the peak oil world.
First you're going to want to go to a doomer feedlot, like peakoil.com or DrumBeat at the Oil Drum, and get a user ID. It's like one of those tags that they crimp onto your ear. All the doomers look the same, and they're all packed nose-to-bunghole into the feedlot, so the feedlot needs a way to tell them apart in case one "goes down" or flips out etc.
Now, I know it's intimidating, but you're going to want to shove your way through all those packed in, fly encrusted doomer asses until you get to the trough. It's a real thrill, waiting for the truck. You got grizzled doomers on the left and right. Their fat guts are thickly marbled from all the scary news articles they've read over the years. They'll body check ya if they sense you're not scared. Just look one in the eye and say: "We are soooo fucked." They'll think you're one of them.
You're going to want to get used to this ritual of bellying up to the trough, cause you're going to be doing it about 10-20 times a day at the doomer feedlot. Ideally you'll want to work your way towards the front of the trough, near the fresh news items, but don't get too eager, some of the grizzled old-timers have staked out the best positions, like that Westexas bovine that just hangs there at the front of the trough, come rain or shine. Animals can be real stubborn like that.
Then the tails start waggin. Hot diggidy dog! Here comes the truck!! It's Leanan, in her overalls. She shovels the doom into the trough every morning, so you get your head in there and start slurping those juicy news items.
Here comes a shovelful: "Babies freeze to death in Kyrgyzstan."
That's got the stink of doom all over it, and the cows' eyes bug out with excitement...
"Babies freeze to death in Kyrgyzstan? Oh mama... Got bunker?"
"We are soooo fucked!"
Leanan really knows how to blend that feed. You see, lesson 1 is that peak oil is not about peak oil. Peak oil is about the inevitable die-off of industrial society and mankind due to hubris and stupidity. Any news item which advances that thesis... goes in the feed.
Remember: This is very much NOT about helping suffering people in other countries. The die-off is inevitable, so help is pointless. It's about the process of deriving nourishment from suffering in the form of news. Plowing through reports and commentary and blogs, day after day, for years on end, for signs of depression and mass death. Using reports of suffering to score debating points.
Pretty soon you'll be chewing through truckloads of material all by yourself. Biofuel report after biofuel report, until your mind is reeling, and your brain is starting to short-circuit from the sheer stress of seeing the word "biofuels" too many times, following footnote links that never end, and other nightmarish scenarios. You click on a link and cause a nuclear explosion etc. etc.
Don't worry these are all perfectly natural, psychological reactions to the stresses of life in the doomer feedlot. Endless biofuel reports and phonebook sized statistical analyses and prep checklists and satellite photos and reams of news items and press releases, you're going to have to read them all, and defend your opinions of them all, down to the fine print, in mortal combat with wave after wave of Zombie doomer chat room trolls. It's like Mad Max, except that was only a movie, and peak oil is even less real than that because the peak oil zombie hordes are just internet nerds with tough-sounding doomer screen names who invade forums and blogs. So, are you ready for peak oil? Do you have all your preps? You will need:
- A good sturdy chair
- A thick pillow to keep your ass from getting sore
- Some pain relief ointment for your mouse clicking finger
- Headache medications